Yep, Pooper Health. Okay, here we go, farts. Let’s talk about the pooper! The pooper is an amazing part of the body. The fact that it carries all that waste around until it literally DUMPS it out! However, the pooper has potential to wreak havoc. And, well…just plain REEK!
Below is a 5 minute video for those interested in learning how the body digests food. Why learn? Because a cleanse is for the purpose of clearing out waste that is not released naturally. Farts put us on notice the waste is working its way through our system. A cleanse also keeps the digestive system clear for future digestion.
I can’t explain WHY everything about the pooper is funny. But it is! As little tikes, we really don’t think much of it. But somewhere along the line, as we start to talk and make friends, the humor sets in with the topic of farts.
Parenting Intentions
Now, as a parent, I tried for the first years to keep my kid from saying the word fart. I was inspired by a friend of my mom’s who had this tiny wiener dog she called “Fanny”. But Fanny was short for her full name – Fanny Crackle! I have never forgotten this. Anyway, I decided my kid would learn to call farts “Bumbles”, short for Bum Rumbles. And he did, for quite a while. Nice and clean.
The Influencers
However, I couldn’t keep him from his cousins, the spawn of my brother. The same brother that while in high school mom would tell him to wake me up. He would come into my room, turn his back end and point it in to my face and let ‘er rip! I started sleeping with my shoes, just so I had something to throw at him as he ran out the door busting up laughing! I was furious. Believe me, when mom asked me to wake HIM up…I was like a bombardier with a target!
Now, my brother has a derriere tank of his own. I remember one afternoon he was helping me rearrange my bedroom furniture. Every time he lifted anything, he released air directly from the pooper. HOLD YOUR NOSE – there was no mistaking where it came from.
Fast Forward a Few Years
Even better though, he had been married for a few years and I got a call in the middle of the night from my sister-in-law. She apologized for calling me so late but knew I am up off and on all night anyway – always have been like that. But she told me my brother had something to tell me. I got a little nervous. Was it bad? Were they pregnant? I didn’t know what to expect.
He gets on the phone and starts explaining to me that he woke himself up. What??? Am I hearing this right? And yes, …I was indeed hearing him correctly. He FARTED in his sleep and the stench was SO BAD, he woke himself up and chased himself out of bed. My sister-in-law was dying laughing. If she hadn’t been laughing so hard, she probably would have died from the offending odor.
Needless to say, me…on the other end of the line was laughing as hard as my sister-in-law. Especially after my brother excused himself from talking to me so he could go brush his teeth and get the taste out of his mouth! I’m sorry but I am still giggling over this one! For Christmas this year, I am giving the gift of a good cleanse!
Of course, my brother has not been the only one to assault my sniffer. Here’s a quick story about my best friend. Ha, she thought I would never tell! No, she actually embraces everything about the pooper! After she had kids, she and her husband set out sausage and beer for Santa instead of cookies and milk. Then, if it took all night long,one or the other of them would leave a wrap-a-round in the toilet bowl for the kids to find “PROOF” in the morning that Santa had visited. Are you starting to kind of worry about me a little bit???? Yah, ME TOO!
A Girls Night Out
One night, she called me up and said, “You know, the kids are gone tonight, and the hubby is working late, do you think you can get away and we can go have dinner together?” It sounded delightful. I called mom up immediately and made arrangement for her to watch the kids. I was on my way to dinner with my best friend. We chose this nice quaint local Mexican restaurant. Bold and colorful, peaceful with a beautiful 3-tier water fountain in the center of the restaurant. The water spilling over each tier gently and long stem roses floating in each bath level of the tiers.
After Dinner
The food was scrumptious. Authentic Mexican cuisine with shrimp dishes to make your mouth water before you could even order it. We each had one token margarita, blended with salted rim. We finished our dinner, slouched back into our seats and stealthily unbuttoned that top button of our jeans. Our dinner was wonderful and the time together the best, as always. The conversation continued for a long time after dinner.
Finally, we surmised it was time to get up and go. Both of us needed to get home to put kids to bed. The server came by and picked up our ticket and payment earlier. It was just a matter of getting up and heading out to the car. The entrance is also the exit. Just a one door deal. Not even a double door. And right by the door is a bench for those either waiting to be seated or for to-go order pick-ups.
A Laughing Bonding Moment
My wonderful, best-est friend in this big-big world led the way. As I followed, I realized she was crop-dusting the whole way and it REALLY hit just about the bench area where these folks’ sniffers were near level to the poopers strutting by them. Neither of us said a thing when we got outside…until we got into the car.
We burst out laughing! For a good ten minutes, both of us laughing so hard our tummies hurt and the tears streamed freely. Neither of us could talk, we were snorting laughing, squeaking laughing, boisterously laughing, practically monkeys hanging upside down in the car laughing! Was it that funny? Probably not. But in that moment, our friendship had hit an ever-lasting special bonding moment. All thanks to the ever-loving pooper! However, I am guessing those sitting on the bench would like to gift my friend a good cleanse!!
The Pooper; The Conductor
This tribute to poopers doesn’t stop here. I must say the pooper is pure body talent. The symphony of songs sung by a group of poopers after Thanksgiving dinner is amazing! Or a hearty night of chili and cornbread or a good old-fashioned egg salad sandwich. Everyone’s poopers are sensitive and react to certain triggers. Broccoli comes crashing in as cymbals for those few special folks! You KNOW who you are…you can’t hide, we can SMELL you!
Honestly though, farting sounds are crazy! Did you know there are categories – uh huh,CATEGORIES of fart sounds. I couldn’t help myself – I had to add the links to a couple of VERY AMUSING fart sites to my website. You can find them in the Random Thoughts and Stories category from my home page.
Keeping It in the Family
One lazy Sunday afternoon, laying around watching movies, my significant other walked through the room. I could tell I had a bit of gas building up but hadn’t done much to push it out because it hadn’t caused any discomfort at this point. But as my other half passed by me, I couldn’t help but feel mischievous. I daintily lifted my leg and busted out a long drawn out bull horn with a few extra tones and told him “I’m just telling you I love you!” I am snickering to myself,amused to catch him off guard with my unexpected and raunchy sentiments of affection. In turn, he waved his arms violently protesting my fragrant kisses and said, “We love each other different!” What can I say? In the end, LOVE WINS!!!
I don’t want to overwhelm you with videos. But you must admit, watching these and you can’t help but cry laughing. Then it goes from one video to the next. It’s this dirty little secret we all find humorous. However, here is a video for a husband and wife.
A Family Tradition Continues
And the love continues in our family. My grandma used to get the walking farts and all of us would be laughing about it behind her back. Joking with each other and warning non-family members it would happen if they are around her. She passed away a few years ago but my mom is now picking up where she left off. She is aware of it…for now. But it won’t be long before it becomes such a natural part of walking every day, she too will be oblivious. I fully intend to keep this tradition rolling.
What? Mom Farts?
However, I had been adamant to my son and his friends that moms don’t fart! For weeks, this went on. With my son and one specific friend. Every time the kid came over to play the whole concept was brought up and I insisted on the angelic status of moms. Of course, the boys were just as persistent in their argument against this idea. In fact, the friend was eager to tell me about his own mom’s farting. Trust me, I was laughing! His mom and I are friends too – she’s not exactly pleased her son is sharing this type of information. However, grateful the sharing is just with me and she laughed it off too.
When the Day Came
One afternoon the boys are in the bedroom playing a video game. I made a definitive decision that day to reiterate moms don’t fart idea. And I knew just how to do it. I walked in the room, citing the usual reminders to clean up his dishes and the garbage off the floor and from under the bed. To pick up his dirty clothes and take them to the laundry.
As I turned to leave the room, I let my pooper do the rest of the work. Instantly, the boys were howling and rolling on the floor. Screaming, “Moms FART!!” I simply responded, “I’m not your mom anymore, my kid doesn’t leave his room this messy!” More than anything, it was a moment of fun play with the kids.
A Natural Offender
Our children are natural flatulence champions. My first born absolutely encompasses the funny in all things fart. However, I am his most favorite target. Armpit farts, whoopee cushions, hand farts and so on. He PLANS his gut bombs for when we are in the car. I am driving. Two hands on the wheel. He’ll tear it up and then hold his hand over the automatic controller, so I can’t turn his window down. I’m stuck inhaling the putrid smells from his bowels. My eyes watering, gasping for breath, feeling grit on my teeth because it hit before I could close my mouth. My son is bent over laughing at me.
I let one go in the car and everybody jumps out. If the car is moving, then every window gets opened. Then I say, “Aw, c’mon guys,mom’s – all moms — first of all – don’t fart. Secondly, when we pass wind it smells like roses always!” Turns out moms are also in regular need of a good cleanse!
Caught In the Night
The other night, my son woke up in the night. He has mostly outgrown sleeping in mom’s room. However, he does still like to cuddle. Cuddle time is typically about a half hour to hour curl up to mom and fall asleep time. Unless I want to fall asleep and then he is compelled to talk about all subjects, everything about them.
Thunder Under the Covers
When he awoke the other night, he came in asking to cuddle. I said, “Fine.” It just so happened I was up and blogging. He curled up, bringing his own blanket. But he shared part of the blanket with me so it felt more like cuddling even though I was plunking away at the keyboard. He fell fast asleep. Next thing I know there is this thunder under the covers. It was as if a large NEW YORK SEWER RAT had been birthed right here under the blanket!
Repercussions of the Gut
But that was the least of it. The stink literally peeled the paint off the walls! Oh My…as I am making the sign of the cross in front of me, top – bottom –side – side! Times like these, my heathen, non-church going self, reverts back to the young Catholic girl kneeling on, of all things, a PEW! The air was clouded with a green fume, toxic waste for sure! I began frantically waving my arms as best I could. I picked up a pillow and started batting at my son’s butt. He continued to sleep. Not even a muscle twitched. Well, except that ONE muscle, the sphincter muscle. And released his killer poisonous gas again. And again.
Of all times, he picked THIS night to sleep so soundly his cuddle time became a sleep-in mom’s bed night. Despite my repeated attempts to wake him, he slept! I suffered, eyes burning, lungs heavy with tainted air formed by gases created from old rotting undigested sludge and bacteria in his gut. The toxins so potent, I highly doubt even the parasites were alive! Unfortunately, colon cleanses are not recommended for children. However, I feel the need to encourage him to increase his water intake. Hoping for that natural cleanse!
Getting Real About Pooper Health
It’s important to understand how the pooper really works for us. Why are we farting? What creates a fart? How exactly does our digestive system work? Because it isn’t all about farting. Not everything about the subject is funny. In fact, there are pieces of information I find interesting.
For example, did you know it takes an average of 12 hours for the food you ate to digest? Or that the intestinal tract is up to 30 feet long! How can that even be when I am only 5’2” myself? No wonder not all of our food is excreted, it gets stuck in bunched up intestines. Which is exactly the reason for using a good cleanse. Get all that junk out of your system.
Benefits of a Cleanse
Benefits of a cleanse include an overall healthier and fresher feeling. Regular bowel movements. Fewer mood swings and irritability. Less offensive smelling gas expulsions (farts). Reduced abdominal swelling and bloating. And it kick-starts weight loss. A cleanse alone will not necessarily make you lose weight that stays off, but it does eliminate the waste currently subsiding in your intestinal tract. Coupled with a weight loss program, a cleanse is an ideal way to get started.
Worthy of mention too is the cleanse helps our body rid itself of the bad bacteria and parasites that attack our bodies. That is not the case for everyone though. Were you aware doctors do fecal transplants? Yes! There are people whose bacteria and enzymes do not breakdown food properly.
No…Really? For Real?
The solution…insert somebody else’s poop into their pooper. A fecal transplant. I know. I am still trying to wrap my head around that one too! Thankfully, the natural process of digestion does this well for the most part. However, we can give it that boost to keep our poopers healthy! Here’s to the Pooper! Cheers for Cleanses of the Pooper!
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